Women who Love too Much * Robin Norwood

 

Lugesin 1.-10. november 2025

Raamat, millest võib olla palju abi ka pea igaühele. Asjad on kindlasti muutunud ning tänapäeva noored armastajad on ehk targemad, ent sellegipoolest veame enda kaasas eelmiste põlvkondade taaka. Isegi filmid jutlustavad endiselt "tõelisest armastusest", mis peabki haiget tegema ning kus kannatused ja lootus, et armastuse läbi suudame teist inimest muuta on tavapärane...

Kui arvad, et valu ja armastus peavadki koos käima, on see raamat sulle. Ja kui arvad, et kui Sa vaid rohkem püüaksid ning oleksid täiuslikum, siis muutuks ka Sinu kaaslane paremaks... Muidugi mõista on ka paljud meie harjumused ja sisemised veendumused pärit lapsepõlvest ja vägagi kummalisel moel valime väidetavalt tihtipeale kaaslaseks kellegi, kes sarnaneb näiteks vanemaga, kes lapsena meie vajadusi tegelikult ei täitnud.

Allpool nimekiri, mille punktid võivad iseloomustada naisi, kes armastavad üleliia.

The following characteristics are typical of women who love too much:

1. Typically, you come from a dysfunctional home in which your emotional needs were not met.

2. Having redeived little real nurturing yourself, you try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a care-giver, especially to men who appear, in some way, needy.

3. Because you were never able to change your parent(s) into the warm, loving caretaker(s) you longed for, you respond deeply to the familiar type of emotionally unavailable man whom you can again try to change, through your love.

4. Terrified of abandonment, you will do anything to keep a relationship from dissolving.

5. Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will "help" the man you are involved with.

6. Accustomed to the lack of love in your personal relationships, you are willing to wait, hope, and try harder to please.

7. You are willing to take far more than 50 percent of the responsability, guilt, and blame in any relationship

8. Your self-esteem is critically low, and deep inside you do not believe you deserve to be happy. Rather, you believe you must earn the right to enjoy life.

9. You have a desperate need to control your men and your relationships, having experienced little security in childhood. You mask your efforts to control people and situations by "being helpful".

10. In a relationship, you are much more in touch with your dream of how it could be than with the reality of your situation.

11. You are addicted to men and go emotional pain.

12. You may be predisposed emotionally and often biochemically to becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol, and/or certain foods, particularly sugary ones.

13. By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain and emotionally painful, you avoid focusing on your responsability to yourself.

14. You may have a tendency toward episodes of depression, which you try to forestall through the excitement provided by an unstable relationship.

15. You are not attracted to men who are kind, stable, reliable and interested in you. You find such "nice" men boring.

Huvitav nimekiri on ka sellest, millised näitajad võivad iseloomustada düsfunktsionaalset kodu/peret. Mõned neist on päris loogilised, teised aga panevad mõtisklema selleüle, et üht-teist on olnud paraku eelmiste põlvkondade põhimõtete puhul sellist, mida siis normaalseks peeti ning millest senimaani on raske välja murda.

* abuse of alcohol and/or other drugs

* compulsive behaviour such as compulsive eating, working, cleaning, gambling, spending, dieting, exercising, and so on; these practices are addictive behaviours, as well as progressive disease processes; among their many other harmful effects, they effectively disrupt and prevent honest contact and intimacy in a family

* battering of spous and/or children

* inappropriate sexual behaviour on the part of a parent toward a child, ranging from seductiveness to incest

* constant arguing and tension

* extended periods of time in which parents refuse to speak to each other

* parents who have conflicting attitudes or values of display contradictory behaviours that compete for their children's allegiance

* parents who are competitive with each other or with their children

* a parent who cannot relate to others in the family and thus actively avoids them, while blaming them for this avoidance

* extreme rigidity about money, religion, work, use of time, displays of affection, sex, television, housework, sports, politics, and so on; obsession with any of these can preclude contact and intimacy, because the emphasis is not on relating, but on following the rules.

If one parent displays any of these kinds of behaviours or obsessions, it is damaging to a child. If both parents are caught up in any of these unhealthy practices, the results may be even more detrimental. Often parents practice complementary kinds of pathology. For instance, an alcoholic and a compulsive eater frequently will marry, and then each will struggle to control the other's addiction. Parents also often balance each other in unhealthy ways; when the smothering, overprotective mother is married to the angry and rejecting father each parent is actually enabled by the other's behaviour and attitudes to continue relating to the children in a destrucitve way.

Dysfunctional families come in many styles and varieties, but they all share one effect they have on children growing up in them: these children are to some extent damaged in their ability to feel and relate.

Raamatus on veel palju-palju kasulikku infot, aga iseenesest juba sedagi siin poleks ma ilmselt tohtinud niiviisi kenasti üles riputada. Aga loodetavasti see tekitab huvi neis, kel infot vaja... et siis juba põhjalikumalt järele uurida. Ja teada saada, mida siis selle kõigega ette võtta!